Celebrity

Stephen Hawking Accused of Sexual Assault

A woman in Bristol, England is being held for filing a false police report after she claimed she was sexually assaulted by Stephen Hawking.  The 54 year old astrophysicist who has Lou Gehrig’s disease hasn’t had significant use of his appendages in ten years.  “We immediately assumed she meant a different Stephen Hawking.” Said police Chief Barney Stolt.

            It is suspected that the suspect, 23 year old Samantha Cole, was planning on settling out of court for an undisclosed sum but reportedly didn’t properly research which celebrity to accuse well enough. “She saw that slut that Kobe Bryant nailed and thought it was a sure way to get easy money.” Claimed Hollywood lawyer Rick Stern.  Unfortunately for Mrs. Cole, her distortion was easily discovered since she had never left her native California, and Professor Hawking hasn’t been to California since Mrs. Was three years old.  

            Mrs. Cole is expected to receive a short jail sentence to be followed by community service and parole.  Warden James Harden of San Fernando correctional facility, where Mrs. Cole will likely spend her short time in prison for worries that her diminished credibility could affect her in future situations.  “Clearly this young girl made a terrible mistake, but when Kobe Bryant actually rapes her, no one will believe her!”